No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Never let your siblings swipe right.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize