I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
