I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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