Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
