I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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