Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
