just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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