I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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