If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
