I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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