I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
