His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
