I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
