he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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