One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
