He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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