"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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