I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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