I hope mine doesn't look like that
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
