Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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