How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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