I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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