im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
They took my balls.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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