I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
