So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
