thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
