Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
