At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
