Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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