The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize