the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Shame - the story of my life.
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