its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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