I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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