so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
