no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
