tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
