he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
