I'm so fucking centered right now
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
