I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
