Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
