I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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