My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
