K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
