Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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