I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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