its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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