We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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