I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
