My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Come see our sink grown plant.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize