WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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