In the future we'll all be gay
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
i believe in u and ur pee
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