Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
