I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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