So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
