Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
