He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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