Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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