You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
they're like a gay fantastic four
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
