btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
