I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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