Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
