Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
