so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
