Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
