Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
