i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Randomize
