How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
