I need to stop coming to work sober
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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