Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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