Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
